beffers65

07:32 am: Christmas list
something a little different today, since it's almost Nov, Im thinking about my X-mas list:


1)Keurig coffee brewer
2)netbook
3)kindle e-reader
4)2 Prof Layton games for my DS
5)TuneCast 111 mobile Fm transmitter
6) UM.. We'll call it a silicon Avatar, and leave it at that(would be nice to have)
7) an Ipod Touch


Ok.. i think that's all I can think of for now...

07:05 pm: uuuugggghhh!!!
feeling really crappy... Went to the doctor's yesterday and she told me i had mastitis, and confirmed what I had suspected for many yrs, that i have Hidradenitis Suppurativa, which is a nasty skin condition that basiclly won't go away... yay-woot... It's kicked my depression up a notch, cause i feel so self-concious whenever i need to strip for someone, be it for romantic, or medical reasons or even just for a clothes fitting... and ryan hasn't been on for 2 days now- he says he's been sick, but i've heard that before... I want to have faith and believe, but my trust issues... I so want something good and pure in my life.... and with me feeling all vunerable, mark comes on and tells me how he just put down $300.00 for bon jovi tix... in Vegas... When I'd sell just about anything i own just to be able to take a week-end to Mi... i feel so low and icky.. it's so hard to talk about my condition without humiliation and embarrasment... That's why it took me so long to seek help, I would get to the point of going the back out cause of the shame... It's looks like im a filthy pig and it's what it feels like to, even tho im one of the cleanest people i know... Most pll don't understand and turn away in disgust... and then if I wasn't feeling low enough, jb calls me with the results of her surgery labs, and it ain't good... stage 3... oh, god plez don't let me loose her..

05:19 pm: Dissapointment
Wow.. just Wow... For just a min I thought id found a friend from here that actually lived close by... then he had to go and ruin it by throwing in the attraction card (or lack there of...) After acting like he was interested Dude was 20 min away from getting laid, seriously... Silly lil boy... yes it hurts a lot... im so fuckin srry we all can't be angie jolie or whatever... he was no brad pitt either, cute enough but not studly... but im not judgmental and shallow... i keep hoping he'll show up sometime, but i keep loosing hope... pain and lonliness are always there...

06:02 pm: lonilness
isn't it quite pathtic that i can't seem to find one individual interested in makeing love to me or even just having sex? Here I am chastising a friend of mine for not going out and just getting it, and I can't even find it... Why is is so impossible for me to get the most basic of needs met?

02:05 pm: Facts hurt
Sitting here reading my Facebook page, it has occured to me what a really sucky situation I am in... I see my friends who are couples posting daily affermations to each other, sometimes more often... I would give anything to have someone give me written affermations, Hell, even some verbally would be nice, but No... Nada. I have totally given up, It's dead, Jim! I just do what I have to to get by and pray everyday for some insight on how to get out of this mess I am in... Why oh why don't I deserve the same love and affection I see others getting? What have I done to deserve this pain?

03:03 pm: sad...
very distressed... i hurt someone i care about today and don't know how to undo it... It was totally unintentional, i was hurt by somebody else and trying in my cocked-up way to explain it i hurt the one i care about... i don't know if he'll forgive me or not... i really wanted to be with him, but i think he slamed the door in my face... and im really srry... it seems all i know how to do is fuck up things...

12:21 pm: Ricky' s Boys
  I found this last night on youtube... and it totally knocked my socks off...  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZMTNHlzLK8

 I't been almost 22 yrs since Rick's tragic death and I still miss his music...

02:33 pm: the 12 day's of beffers' Christmas

11:01 am: Writer's Block: Giving Thanks
<
lj-template name="qotd" id="72" />

1) my sons
2)The SCA
3)My best friend and mentor
4)Julie
5)my puppy
6)my internet friends
7)my music
8)my new grand niece & nephew
9)pretty garb that fits
10)hot showers when I feel crappy

Tags: life, thanksgiving, writer's block

07:00 pm: ok... I'll play along
For the first three people that reply to me and re-post this challenge, I will send you something. It might be something I've made, or something cool from my hidden stash, it might be a mix CD, or a rubber duck, a book I think you will enjoy, or something else that is completely awesome. Whatever it is, I promise that I will get it to you in 365 days or fewer. The only thing you need to do in order to participate is to be one of the first three to reply to this, AND post this thing on your journal

02:15 pm: Missing Someone
If there is someone that you miss dearly, for any reason, post this exact sentence in your journal.

05:58 pm: friend map

I'm trying to get all my Livejournal friends' locations plotted on a map - please add your location starting with this form. Username: (Then get your friends to!)

please, anyone who has decided to be my friend from aim whores, please pin yourselves to my map... thanx

08:46 pm: Friend Test

Create your own Friend Test here

10:04 pm: Movin' on
Movin' on is a chance that you take
Any time you try to stay together
Whoa
Say a word out of line
And you find that the friends you had
Are gone forever
Forever

So many faces in and out of my life
Some will last
Some will just be now and then
Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes
I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again

I find a lot of meaning in those words at this point in my life... I said a word or two out of line and what i thought were true friends are gone forever, just because I don't know how to lie when asked something point-blank... I am puting things in motion to move on and after the 1st week in may I'll find out if I'll be movin' on to MA... That's where my future looks like it's heading, It's just amazing, I never thougt someone like Ry would have an intrest in me.. Since he steped into my life, I no longer have that empty hollow feeling inside me, and our nitely routine of talking till he falls asleep on the phone just endears him all the more to me... Ry, thank you and I love you.

02:49 pm: Bored, want to chat...
41/F/ky Bored need new friends... No cyber AIM: Persephone1665

03:03 pm: Heartbreak...
I had a Dr's app't today and after it was over, I decided to stop in at the WH to get a bite and take my meds that I had been out of and to see one of my friends before he went south to see his folks... Well it was a good thing I did, it seems some other friends of mine that work there were in a horrible car accident and thier little girl was killed. It's upset me very much... the whole family is in the hospital and it is just over all, a huge tradgey... It made me want to just reach out to the people that I care about and who I've been a huge pain in the ass to and say I'm sorry, and I miss you... Please hold your loved ones tight and be extra cautious on your travels this holiday... i love you all...


Peace and Love and happy holidays to my friends at LJ and the extended ones...

06:19 pm: Discovering which way the wind blows...
Well, last night was gaming and it was fun as far as the game itself went, although my character got the crud beat out of her... Hopefully within the next few sessions she'll be back to normal.

The real problem is I discovered purely by chance, that someone there was seeing another someone who just happened to show up with him,(No, not that someone). The upseting part is back in the spring, I asked this someone point blank, if there was something going on between the two of them and he flat out denied it saying they were "just friends". (God, how I hate the term.) It turns out that they had been seeing each other for 2 yrs. This has made me feel like such a fool, and I wished I'd known this fact before last summer, I would not have been so all over this person at a certian party, I just would not have done it, I don't operate that way... and the fact that she was there to see it, just makes me sick.

And the fact that Wayne didn't know either makes him stupid, or the world's biggest mushroom... I mean for God'ssake, he sat beside him for 7 freakin years and didn't know? Hell's taco bells, Mark isn;t even there any more and he knew it, he alluded to it the other night but I had no idea who he was talking about.

This makes what was said to me in that cute little anonamous posting finally makes sense. But they still have it wrong, I would not have done it if I'd known the truth... Why in the hell can't people be honest with me? I hate dishonesty so much... because of one lie, my reputation is shot and several relationships are tarnished prolly beyond repair... Now I can't come right out and accuse her of it without any proof, that would just distroy any friendships i have left, and I can't risk that... But on the other hand it makes sense, although, i would never have thought she would do such a thing... And I don't really think she did... The thing is, it's got to be someone in our circle, it alludes to too much "inside" information that a stranger wouldn't know or understand.

Well, this is all I'm going to say on the matter, at this point... there is some other things but I just can't state them right now, because this person is just too damn popular in the circle... And for some reason i am a pariah, lovely position for me to be in...

01:04 pm: Everything sux day
Sorry out there in blogland, I need to vent about my life sucking for a bit... After the past two or three weeks I've had i think I need to. First off, my mom fell again and this time she fractured her pelvis and she's been in the hospital ever since. She also has pheneumonia and they think she may have had a mild stroke along with everything else. I've been fighting the flu in my house for the past week and a half... Both my kids, my husband and myself have had it and it's left me emotionaly raw and wiped out. The holidays are fast approaching and that is depressing me and the insominia won't let up... Last night or shall i say this morning at 4:00 am i spent 3 1/2 hrs talking to the dutchman, he was advising me on various things such as my divorce when the time comes and also on the game... I was glad for his insight.

It inavertanly got broght home to me exactly what I'm missing in my life. The true love dynamic that he had with her... God, it was something! I only wish and pray for a dynamic like that and wonder why I can't. all I know is that if i were to aquire a love like that, so help me God, I'd never fuck it up like she did. It's all i've ever wanted.

So, that's why this is my everything sux day.

04:35 pm: letter to santa

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! Last month I helped mezzeric across the street (6 points). In June I stole foxeni's purse (-30 points). Last Wednesday on a flight to Pakistan, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). In January I pulled over and changed lillyspider's flat tire (15 points). Last Monday I got in line at the supermarket at the same time as someone else and I didn't yield (-8 points). Overall, I've been naughty (-57 points). For Christmas I deserve a lump of coal! Sincerely, Beffers65

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

01:04 pm: Alone again, naturally
why is it I can never find anyone that wants me around? Here I am again on a week end with no where to go and nothing to do... It's bad enough that I'm stuck out here in the house in BFE all during the week, but when the week end comes around, I only have 2 choices: stay here alone or go to Wayne's folks.

No one ever asks me to do anything with them, or hang out or anything. Too self-absorbed in their own lives to think about anyone or anything else... I challenge anyone to be stuck in a house somewhere 25 mi from anything five days a week, and then be forced to do the same on the week end and not feel like giveing up...

To top it off, I get treated like shit when I try to find some one to talk to, just because I'm not a mind reader and automaticlly knew something bad had happened to them. All I'm trying to do is feel my way though this quagmire of a life and try to keep whatever sanity I have left(which is not much, granted). i just wish someone would for once in my life reach out to me, and ask me to do something with them.